New Sushi Rules for 2012
It’s time to take back our beloved cuisine from those who would bastardize it and degrade it through mindless commercialization.
2012 is our chance to start with a clean slate – let’s clean up the sushi scene, by instituting some tough new rules. Rules that are needed to reign in the undisciplined sushi servers out there. Ready?
10. Sauces that are in no way Japanese are no longer allowed on sushi. We cannot taste the ingredients when the roll is drowning in heavy sauces anyway.
That means no more duck sauce, kimchee sauce, BBQ sauce, melted cheese, red curry sauce, chocolate sauce, orange sauce, russian dressing, and peanut sauce.
9. If it has no shape, it’s not a sushi roll. Sometimes it’s a pile, and should be called by it’s proper descriptor.
Maybe there’s a sushi roll inside lending structural support to the pile, but let’s just call a pile of sushi, well, a pile.
8. Cream cheese will be replaced by lard. If you really, really want creamy, white, artery-clogging stuff packed in your roll you’ll be able to go straight for the hardcore filling. Crisco shortening will be allowed where lard is not readily available.
This has a beneficial side effect of reducing the population of people ordering these nasty concoctions. C’mon, it’s a sushi roll not a bagel!
7. There shall be no more than two sauces on a sushi roll. Ever. (sauce rule #2) – One sauce shall suffice except in such circumstances where it is a special occasion, there is a color requirement for the roll based on it being a representation of something like a local sports team, or if special permission is obtained prior to creation.
6. Don’t try to cook a gourmet meal and serve it on top of the pieces of sushi roll. You can cook duck l’orange, chicken parmesan or whatever strikes your fancy, but why would you want to serve it on top of sushi roll pieces and peddle it as sushi? We won’t mention the name of the national chain that specializes in breaking this new rule, but many of you can probably guess.
5. One piece of sushi roll shall contain no more than three types of fish; two on the inside and another on the exterior. Rolls like rainbow rolls may use more than three in succession, but any particular piece may not contain four.
And to elaborate on the painfully obvious problem, we cannot taste the fish if it is packed into a roll full of different kinds of fishes. And if we can’t taste the ingredients, why are we eating this roll?
4. Escolar shall be banned from use in all rainbow rolls and sashimi platters. It shall not be called “white tuna” under penalty of being forced to eat 1/2 pound of it. It can only be stocked to fulfill customer orders when it is specifically ordered by name.
3. No more rolls which contain no rice! This means the end of the “low carb rolls” as they are currently peddled. Any roll with no rice and four kinds of fish inside is hereby banned because of both this rule and the previous. By the way, in case nobody told you, bacon is not a valid substitute for anything when making sushi maki.
2. Sushi bars will hereby be required to account for types of sushi served. A full 50% of sushi served must be comprised of nigiri, hand rolls, sashimi and assorted Japanese dishes which are not sushi rolls. Restaurants must use promotions, advertising, customer education, force feeding and whatever other means are necessary to reach this goal. To ease the transition, futomakis may be counted toward the goal in the initial year.
1. Uni shall be a required course at all sushi dinners. Anyone abstaining from uni shall be allowed to suck the ama ebi shrimp heads as a valid substitute.